Sunday, October 4, 2009

Timelines Deadlines and Speeding Trains

Recently, one of my gfs broke up with her bf of 1.5 years because he "wasn't on the same page".

"How so?" I asked her, the other day whilst we were whacking some balls at the driving range. It was a chilly fall evening and a cheerful Rebecca was telling me about her sudden break-up.

"Well, before the summer I said that we should have The Talk...and then he kinda looked at me all deer-in-headlights...and then when we finally had The Talk in the summer he said he wasn't ready to think about IT..."

IT being the thing that every girl in a new-ish long-term relationship, who is ready to take the next steps wonders about at the start of a longer-term relationship (or the beginning of the end, in this case).

"Can he see himself with you in the long run..." I continued dryly.

"Yes!" Rebecca pointed at me with her golf club, "...and that's all I want him to say...that he can see himself with me in the long run... at least if he said that, it would give me a reason to wait around for him...but I got nothing...."

Poor girl, I sympathized. It sucks to not hear what you want to hear from the person you want to hear it from the most.

"You really don't sound that sad about it though...are you okay with this?"

"Yeah I'm fine. Maybe because I've been so busy lately I just haven't had time to mentally deal with it all...but yeah...he said 'yes, I'm happy with the way things are right now..but I think I still might want to date a bit more later on down the road'".

And what the hell would you say to that? I mean, other "Yes, but" answers could warrant some understanding like "I have to finish school first" or "I need to save up enough for a down payment" or "I need to convince my mom that you're likeable", but this one looked like a brick wall.

"I could wait around for him if he said he wanted to wait until he got his MBA or even if he said he wanted to wait till he got promoted to a more senior position at work.....but...I can't wait around for him to be ready...and the fact that he's worried he hasn't dated enough yet..." Rebecca sighed.

And I sigh every time I hear something like that from a girl. Waiting around for a guy. WTF!?!? Sad truth, but a lot of girls I know end up being the ones who wait around.

Why wait, you ask?

It all boils down to The Timeline. Yes, that one...the one where, when you were 19 you said you'd be happily married by 25, have your first kid at 27 and finish off with your second one at 29 whilst your career has already been established, your money made and you are living the perfect life.

As I get older (and by older I don't mean age, but 'grow up') I realize that there is too much to do...too much life to live to let The Timeline grab a hold of you by my neck and drag you along its own agenda.

"I want to have my first kid in four years...that's not much time you know?" Rebecca finally said, after a long and thoughtful silence.

"Dude, you're want a kid in four years?" I asked, astonished. It's not impossible though, I mean on one hand 26 is around the time you're "supposed" to be making babies. On the other hand, Halle Berry had her first kid at 41 and medical technology will only get better and better with time.

The Timeline is an evil and wicked thing. If the guy situation falls through when you're 26 and you have a timeline to stick to, then that only gives you FOUR years or less to find THE ONE to procreate with and pop your first one after that.

My biggest fear for girls like that is the fact that they marry and make babies with the wrong guy because they had a timeline to stick to. Sad truth, time is seemingly limited for us ladies...the deafening tick-tock of our biological clocks will always be there and when you pile on The Timeline, it just makes life look like a speeding train heading towards you.


  1. Well said!
    I didn't get married until I was 30, and I had my daughter at 36.

    No timeline, just let things happen.

    However, if the guy I as dating said he'd like to 'date more' after a year and a half...that's a deal breaker. Date HER more? Or other women? Bah. She did the right thing by moving on.


  2. Very well written post!

    It does seem like girls often get very nervous if they see themselves approaching 30 and feel they are running out of time to have a kid and a long term relationship. I think they get so jealous of their friends having kids and what not.

  3. The whole timeline thing works out good for horny men!!!!! LOL

  4. If someone said to me after a year and a half they want to date more, it would be bye bye....

    But these timeline people need to take a realistic look at what they are thinking....... the timeline is different for everyone!

  5. Selectively BitchyOctober 4, 2009 at 3:31 PM

    Hey all.. thanks for the comments.. I think we all agree... she did the RIGHT thing! And yes it is such a deal breaker and a heart breaker to hear that your man wants to "date more" after a year and a half... ugh.. what can you say to that except 'byebye', right?

  6. Oh, those girls. I never have understood The Timeline because - just like you said - it puts pressure on them to find A one rather than THE one. No good.

  7. By saying "I want to date more" I'm sure he really means "I haven't slept with enough women to know that you are the one for me"...sad but likely true fact!

    No timelines for me...I had my first child at 20 and haven't had a second yet...maybe someday.

  8. Now I admit to being married with 2 kids at 25, but that was Not me with a timeline At All. If anything my husband pressured me into everything. Not that I'm complaining Much, but I just never understood that. I guess I don't get the whole Talk thing either, since Again, my husband was the one pushing me along so I didn't have to do that.

    I just really don't see myself as ever having been that person with a timeline that way. Life is for living not planning, and it'll happen best if you just live it. But that may just be me.


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