Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Callbacks and dirtier old men

So, the stranger (that is my agent) just called.

"You got shortlisted kiddo! Good job with the nurse part!"

"Really? Wow, that's good to hear, thanks!" I replied, surprised and happy at the same time. I was already happy because today is the second day after my audition that I celebrated being carb-free for two days by stuffing my face with carbs.

It began with a celebratory Frosty from Wendys, complete with a mix of vanilla and chocolate malt with Oreos thrown in. It was then followed by Kettles chips, in both flavours of yogurt & onion and Backyard Barbeque. And now, I am happily chomping on a toasted cinnamon raisin bagel with margerine.

"The casting director also wants to know if you'd be interested in a silent on camera part.."

"Sure, I'll take whatever I can get," I told my agent.

Yesterday's audition went well. Not as well as I hoped it would be. I flubbed a line. Of course, I'll blame that on the blistering stinky, humid weather and the fact that no one should ever be forced to wear anything skintight and short, made of knit fabric or latex. Yes, I said latex.

I walked into that room, and there were several Asian girls dressed in latex nurse costumes. One girl even had a cute little nurse hat (?) on her head. Oh and everyone had expensive prostitute platform boots. I, on the other hand being the outcast that I always am in a sea of I-am-better-than-thou actors, was the only one in a 'normal' going out red mini dress with nude heels and big hair. Oh yes, and chicken cutlets. Those were a must since I've been so active this summer that I've lost weight -- all from my boobs!

Anyhoo. I did the scene with an old man. Like, old. Like, stinky old. No, make that stinky, cranky, perverted rapist with stockpiles of child porn in his humid little basement old. Or at least that's what I had in my mind. Either way, it threw me off a little. Prior to, I had pictured a good-looking older man in his mid-50s, tanned, full head of greying hair and a yacht.

"Ok, so basically, play with him a little..with your words, with your eyes... then walk over across the room and bendover and pretend you're sorting files or something...." said the casting director.

I was in a box of a room with four other people, humid, smelly like a mix of day-old KFC and spilled orange soda, with three massive lights, two cameras and a dirty looking old man.

I did the scene twice and ran out as fast as I could to the car, where Daddy was waiting for me.

"Good job baby! Or should I say, my hot nurse!" Daddy teased as I plopped my sticky ass onto the passenger seat.

"Thanks!", I said as I reached into my bra, tugging at the chicken cutlets, "dammit! These things are so suctioned against my sweaty boobs, they won't budge!"

Daddy gave me a weird look, started the car and began to pull out of the parking spot as I tugged on my artificial boob inserts and... PLOP! My left artificial boob had flown out the window and landed on a patch of grassy dirt.

"Shit!" I opened the car door and ran out to grab my breast, just as a man and his dog were walking by.

"Percy, NO!" The man commanded. The dog had beat me to my breast and had begun sniffing and licking the sweaty little chicken cutlet.

I quickly pushed the dog away, gathered my breast without making eye contact with the man and got back into the car.

"I need a Frosty. Now..." I told Daddy. And off we went.


  1. That sounded like a hell of a day! Asian men seem to be a theme with you! LOL!

  2. You need to update me on all this stuff! I want the details!

  3. Percy, NO! Priceless! At least you got it back.

  4. Chicken Cutlets.
    I've not heard that one before. And after being a manager at a Victoria's Secret for many a year, I thought I'd heard them all!

    Great writing. Can't wait to hear what happens next!

  5. Congrats on the callback and this blog had me cracking up.

    I can just imagine driving by seeing a woman on the side of the road fighting with a dog for a breast a.k.a. Chicken Cutlet (which I've never heard it called - yay, learned something new today).

    Happy to hear you won!

  6. Yay for a call back! I bet they loved you.


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