Auditions, Asian porn and seducing old men

Yesterday, the stranger that is my agent called to say that she had submitted me for a commercial.

"You're not allergic to chocolate are you?" She asked.

Nope but I sure wish I was, I told her. I'd probably have less cellulite on my my lower half if that were the case.

"Ok, that's grand! It's called Project K, be at the studio at noon".

Everything's grand and 'thanks a million' when you're an agent. The film industry breeds fakeness like no other silicone implant factory can.

I arrived at the studio late and parked my car at what I thought was a temporary stopping zone, so I made sure to keep my emergency blinkers on. I was so sure of myself, that I left my purse in my car and dashed in at 10 minutes past.

After my sign-in I took a seat and gave everyone the waiting-room-once-over -- a quick survey of the room and a full up and down of a few characters that stood out. Of course, just like every audition I attend, I end up clenching my jaw to prevent an obvious case of wincing at the sight of wannabe-struggling actors. If you can call them that. Everyone there's got this 'better-than-thou' attitude, surgically shaved nose pointed up in the air, strategically placed strands of hair dangling above the eyes or twirled just enough above the front right shoulder. Just writing this out makes me shudder all over again. F&&%ing actors.

Anyway. Ten minutes later they call a group of us into the room and an outspoken douche was all "Wow dude, I'm with all the chicks! Nice!".

Someone giggled, another pff'd the air. I gave the evil eye.

All six of us slated (by that, I mean we stated our names, the agency we're with), showed the fronts and backs of our hands (I was relieved, no self tanner stains this time around!) and were asked to unwrap a chocolate bar, eat it and react.

As I expected, every girl unwrapped their chocolate bar and gave some kind of sultry, orgasmic "Mmmm....mmm..mm!" response.

I, on the other hand, being the breakfast-deprived, time-starved non-actor in the group, struggled to unwrap my chocolate bar and ended up picking little pieces of wrapper apart...breaking a piece of chocolate bar off, and devoured it like nobody was watching. And in the process, let out a surprised kind of "MM! Oh wow!"...

I left the room hoping that I had diversified myself from the group of superficial half-breeds. Sadly though, it's been a few hours since the audition and my agent hasn't called.

Anyway, I head back to my car and realized that it's no longer there. I then walked over to the sign I thought indicated "temporary stopping zone" and realized that it was a 'NO Stopping zone', let out a big F%$K! and somehow, in under 30 minutes, managed to call a cab, joke about eating McDick's for the next week, pay the driver and the towing company and made my way back into work.

How's that for efficiency?

An hour later my agent calls. Did I land the part, I ask.

"No, haven't heard yet dahling, but do you like older men?"

What kind of question is that, I thought to myself. Then I remembered how much Daddy likes to listen to Phill Collins and pretend he's in his early 40s.

"Love them." I replied.

"Fab! I've got an audition for you this weekend. They need a second generation Chinese Canadian woman in her mid-20s, seductive, has great bedside manners and loves to seduce older men. And likes Asian porn...do you.." my agent trailed off, distractedly.

Please don't ask me if I like Asian porn, I begged silently. I can only lie so much.

"...have any tight short mini dresses? Surely you do?" she finished off.

Tons, I replied. Nothing skanky of course, but I do stock up when I can. Usually around Halloween.

"Fab! I've confirmed your audition. Check out the script, it's pretty funny. You get to seduce an old guy at a hospital. And something about Asian porn. Good luck hunny, and call me when you're done!"

So now I'm off to practice and research for my seductive asian porn and old man fanatic role.

Should be fun. I'll let you all know how it goes. Wish me luck!