Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Every girl should have a poor man's boyfriend

This past weekend was pretty exciting. I was looking forward to golfing with Daddy all week long and finally when he did, we had a tiff over his lack of score keeping and him blabbing on about how we shouldn't be tiffing.

"You're the only person I can golf with! And you're not even taking it seriously!" I shouted. Or so he said. He thinks I shout about everything when I'm not speaking positively, but its only because he has this weird preconception that whenever a girl doesn't behave she turns into a screaming+shouting, foul-mouthed wretched crazy woman.

Anyways - enough with the venting. My point is, I have no friends to golf with (wow that was a loaded phrase...I have no friends therefore I have no one to golf with)and the only person I can actually go golfing with is Daddy. I left the golf course all pissy and wondering, is there anyone else who can go with me?! Anyone at all?!

That same evening, we met up with Daddy's two friends, Cody and Dan. I like them both - Dan is tall, blonde-haired, blue-eyed, single and looking (for a girlfriend and a new puppy since his bitch-of-an-ex took the dog with her) and Cody is the perfect housewife version of Daddy. By that I mean, he can make a mean blueberry cheesecake, loves desserts, uses two types of potatoes when he makes mashed potatoes (something about achieving the optimal starch content) and measures his glucose in take (or some kinda white powdered stuff anyway that looks like crack but isn't) and he's single.

Which begs the question, why are so many good guys single? Which also begs the question, why do girls complain about not being able to find a good guy? Hello! There were two sitting right beside me at dinner this weekend! Which begs another question - why did I just conflict myself? Girls complain about not being able to find good guys because they're all DOUCHES! DUH.

"Hey have you seen that coffee table book called 'Hot Chicks with Douchebags'?" Dan asked me, blue eyes sparkling in the setting sun. WOW, someone actually beat me to it, I thought.

Hell no, I replied, but whoever did that is a genius and I grovel at her (surely, she must be a she?) feet. Apparently this book is chock-full of douches who post pictures of themselves on the Internet (most likely Facebook, as it becomes public property once you do post). Must. Locate.

Cody then launched into his "I need to buy a couch cuz I just moved into my apartment and have no couch" schpiel. And I got excited! Why? Because I LOVE shopping at Ikea. I love shopping for couches and housewares (am I weird?!). And Daddy hates doing that stuff.

"Cody! I'LL go couch shopping with you!" I shouted, like some desperate stock trader on the floor of the NYSE. Maybe we could even go golfing? Shopping for shoes? Bake banana bread? Make macaroni angel ornaments?

"Cody! We'll go couch shopping tomorrow! And Dan! We can go puppy shopping this weekend!" I exclaimed, like some desperate friend-less loser making every last attempt to win some companionship after my big bout of rejection at the golf course today as Daddy snickered beside me.

"What?! Forget it, I'm not your Poor Man's Boyfriend," Cody shot back. Poor man's whaaa? I'd heard of that term in reference to steak but never a boyfriend.

"Sure, I'd be up for puppy shopping. You just have to make sure your boyfriend's there," Dan smiled and look at Daddy, "'cuz ya know, I only hangout with girls I'm sexually interested in."

"Hey, that's fine by me, you don't need me there, just as long as you get her outta my hair," Daddy replied back, all casual and cool about it.

Wow, am I dreaming? I asked myself.

But really, how cool would that be if your boyfriend was all like, hey go call up my friends and ask them to go do boyfriend-girlfriend stuff with you cuz I don't feel like it today...buy couches, puppies, bake cupcakes, just don't get me involved.

Or maybe even one boyfriend for every purpose. I'll keep Daddy around as my SexyTime Boyfriend.


  1. Haha, you call your boyfriend Daddy eh? Interesting...

  2. Sounds like you have a healthy relationship right there...

    At least Daddy has his 'niche' -- don't take THAT away from him!

  3. LOL... niches are good. you're right! lol

  4. I love couch shopping, too! Actually, any sort of home decor shopping. :)

  5. Men being the douches they are never hang out with girls unless they have an interest in them...it's kind of sad actually because they'd have great company while couch and puppy shopping! lol.


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