Saturday, June 13, 2009

Big nose good, big nostrils bad

Growing up as a Chinese person, I was inundated with ridiculous superstitious beliefs and sayings.

"Eat more fish, you'll swim faster, eat more watermelon, it's good for your skin" my Grandma would tell me. I was already a pretty tubby kid growing up and the last thing a tubby kid needs is to have everyone tell her to eat more.

"Rub the watermelon leftovers all over your face, it'll do your skin some good too!" My poser-superstitious mother would always add. I say 'poser' because she used to suck up every superstitious belief anyone told her till the last drop.

And before bed time, my mom would always make me massage the bridge of my nose about 10 times so as not to develop the "flat Asian nose" that I was born with, that my Asian genetics had already predetermined whilst in the womb.

"But isn't my nose supposed to be flat?" I remember my five-year-old self asking my white-person worshipping, bottle-brown hair colored Asian mom.

"No, it still has a chance to be perky and not flat like your dad's...keep massaging!"

Say it with me: De-nial!

Anyway, thinking about noses made me think about nostrils, which in turn made me think about Daddy's nostrils, my ex-bf's nostrils and my personal trainer's nostrils. And nostrils, in general.

I used to have a friend whose Asian mom, Mrs. Cheng, was gung-ho about facial reading. When I was in high school, I brought over my (now ex) bf for her to meet and of course, sneak in a quick facial read.

"Tall guy...manly," She would tell me in her Chinese accent. Duh, can that be anymore obvious? I thought. And I wasn't too sure about the manliness, now that I recall the entire six months of his blatant girly whining I endured after he got his fingernail ripped out at football practice in University.

"Big nose...means he rich or will be," Mrs. Cheng finished off with the kicker, "...big nostrils...velly good".

I went home that night making a list of all the cool things I'd end up with if I ended up with him. Big waterfront house, expensive sports car, vacations to exotic places....if only I could somehow get rid of his girlfriend-hating parents...oops, I digress, story for another day. Anyhoo, the ex was loaded up the arse. Well, his family was anyway, which means everything was handed over on a silver platter. Hence, the big nose and nostrils. Then again, he's Persian so either way it's a given, non?

Anyway. I started thinking about big nostrils today and decided to Google it up, and found some interesting stuff about the nose.

According to Chinese literature, the nose is the "moneybox". Every heard of "paying through the nose"? Kinda makes sense. I once knew a big-nosed Italian whore who dated guys for their money. Destined to be a gold-digger? I think so. But conflicting enough, she was from a rich family and gold-digging, whorish genes run in her family.

Upon further reading, I found some interesting stuff on the chin. Every heard of "chinless wonder"? Well, apparently this originated from the genetic abnormality, of inbreeding in royal families - it's a diss. According to Chinese facial reading rules, the chin signifies determination, ambition and practicality. The bigger the chin the more of the good stuff. Which explains why my girlfriend's douchebag of an ex-boyfriend tends towards the chinless troll types, one of which is his current squeeze who sports a majorly receding chin and has no aspirations but to just 'work as a waitress' while taking it up the arse (literally) from a guy who has no respect for her whatsoever. Clearly she has no determination (to be with a better guy, have a better job), no ambition (if she did, she wouldn't be with a douche) but she does have a little practicality, which complements the little bit of chin she has.


  1. Nice! I knew a couple dudes with no chins and they were total douchebags too.

  2. This is freaking hilarious... excuse me while I go rub some watermelon on my zit ;-)

  3. Wow who knew there was so much to be said in the shape of a nose, nostril or chin?? I certainly didn't!


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