Dirty Dildo Wars....

My girlfriend had her going-away-to-another-city party this past weekend and I must say, hunting for that perfect belated birthday/going away present was quite the adventure.

Daddy and I sauntered off to the gay district in our town, where a plethora of sex shops beckoned for us with their come-hither window displays of black latex strappy wear (see? I'm actually innocent. So innocent that I have no idea what they're called), school girl uniforms and tacky florescent lighting.

We hit the first store and never made it to the other 10.

I can't even remember the name anymore, but I marched right on inside, covering my hand with my sleeve as I opened the door and made a beeline for wherever the Rabbit was. And came across two shelves of assorted of Rabbits, Beavers, Alligators, Woodpeckers, Ducks, Bears and Condors. Yes, condors. It was a zoo in there.

"Wow baby, this place is ... I'm so...ahh...overwhelmed," came the hushed voice of Daddy. I turned around and saw a lost little boy gazing up at a wall of real-life cocks. Veined. Thick. And black!

"Woohoo, now I can fulfill my fantasy of f*&%ing a black guy!" I squealed, as I ran over to the biggest, veined, life-like blackest cock (or rather, dildo, I should say) I could find.

Daddy shot me a whathef&^$ look and walked over to the shelf of porno mags and cock pumps, taking subconcious revenge upon my blackman outburst.

I gazed upon box after box of pornstar dildos, modeled after the real pornstars themselves. So many no-name-random dudes. How creepy would that be, knowing that every other woman in the city has your manhood tucked way in her nightstand, I wondered.

"Hey bay, check this out!" Daddy chirped from behind me, shoving something gummy and gluey in my face as I turned around.

It was a life-sized vagina, modeled after a fairly cute Asian girl. And it was kinda sticky.
And as I uttered an "ewwww whathef&^$ ugghhh!" sound and wiped my face with my sleeve (still being careful not touch too many things with my hands), Daddy came at me, holding a big sparkly purply vibrator, complete with twirling head, swatting at me like it was some kind of fencing sword and poking me in the sides with it!

"NOOOO!!!" I yelled, and reached for the nearest weapon I could find -- an orange silicone 7" schlong. I did a football player spin, knocking over a small rack of anal beads and came back at Daddy from behind, repeatedly smacking the back of his head with the wiggly apparatus until...

"Can I help you guys find something today?" The sex shop sales lady asked, catching us in the act of fencing.

Daddy and I froze, with big guilty deer-in-headlights looks on our faces, kinda what B-dawg looks like when he gets into the garbadge, strews it all across the dining room floor and looks at us with fear and wonder with his big oogly puppy dog eyes as we yell "bad dog!".

"Um yes, uh actually, I'm looking for a decently priced vibrator for my girlfriend." I responded as-a-matter-of-factly whiel picking up the packs of anal beads. The Rabbit was waaaay beyond my budget of $25, though I must say, when I'm ready to spring for one, I'd much rather pay for something that's Made in Japan. "She's had really bad run-ins with a douchebags and I think it's time for her to smarten up."

Fourty-five minutes and a glow-in-the-dark 6 3/4 inch dildo later, Daddy and I left the store with silly smirks on our faces. And made sure to use a ton of hand sanitizer.