Friday, May 29, 2009

Does every guy have a little douche inside him?

This has got to be the longest break I've taken from blogging. Ever.

Why? No clue. I guess I've been too busy, but the days go by so quickly that I can't even recall what I was up to two days ago. Does that ever happen to you?

Someone: "Hey! What'd you get up to yesterday"
Me: ""
Someone: waiting
Me: "....yah I have no idea. I really can't remember."

And that's how it usually goes.

Speaking of not remembering things, at my girlfriend's going away party I presented her with a Douchebag Recovery Kit. Was meaning to share with y' contained a little notebook titled "Unleash Your Inner Sex Kitten" in which a lengthy definition of Douchebag was included (and adapted from Urban Dictionary), a sexy dress and earrings from BeBe, dark chocolate and lip gloss, a book entitled "Incredible Orgasms" and another book called "1001 Vodka Recipes".

"So babe, whadya think of the definition?," I asked Daddy, after I had read aloud the entire two pages of the definition of douchebag. There was only an hour left before the party and I was excitedly putting the last pieces together.

"Um, love, you can't read that aloud. You'll offend EVERY GUY in that room."

"No, really. Whatdya think?"

"That's what I think. I think you should just not read that out loud in front of any guys because every guy will somehow find a way to relate to what you wrote." He responded firmly, perhaps taking slight offense to my writing.

Wow, I thought, could Daddy be a closet douche afterall?

"Daddy, were you a....a douche before you met me?." I asked in my littlest girl voice ever, a slight pang of sadness in my high-pitched voice. The thought of Daddy being a sleazy doucheass suddenly put a damper on my exciting day.

Daddy looked at me in all my ickypoutyness and sighed. "Sure yeah, I guess I was. Does that make you happier now? "

No, I thought. Does the thought of your boyfriend with other girls EVER make anyone feel happy? C'mon dude.

"I feel a bit better. I don't like thinking my boo was a sleaze."

"Well, I'm not. I love you. But I love B-dawg more."

Good enough for me, I replied. When we got home, I decided to print out the douchebag definition and stick it into the notebook. Besides, I thought, she'll be too damn drunk to use her brain anyway.

In case you're wondering though, here's the definition....and below that was the script that I prepared for the presenting of her presents.


Dear Chantelle,

As you may already know, medical professionals in the field of gynecology state that “douching is bad for you” and do not recommend it.

While we all know what the traditional definition of “douche” is…

A product used to sanitize an unpleasant and sordid vagina

…another definition of douche pertains to a commonly known variant of the word douche, that which is Douche bag.

Speaking of medical terms, did you know that every 19 minutes a douchebag is born? Further to that, every 12 minutes, a successful, intelligent and beautiful young woman like yourself will make the unfortunate mistake of falling for the idiotic and moronic ways of a douchebag, which ultimately results in the inevitable – a broken heart, detailed analyses of every text message that you’ve sent to and received from the douche, sleepless nights of “What did I do wrong?”, countless hours of low productivity at work and in life because you’re too busy over analyzing the situation, and so the list goes.

But fret not, my successful, intelligent and beautiful friend…

For your going away gift, we have provided you with the ultimate in stupidguy aftermath remedials—The Douchebag Recovery Kit.

As your close friend, other ear and shoulder, need I remind you of what a douchebag is? You have had way too many encounters of a douchey kind and as such, I will now read you a detailed definition of the term douchebag so that you will be able to identify and ultimately, stay away from them forever!


The term "douchebag" generally refers to a male with any number of characteristics not associated with one particular region or age demographic. Douchebag is a combination of attitude qualities, social ability, and attire.

In terms of geography, douchebags can be found nearly anywhere. For instance, douchebags can be seen in Yaletown, where blazers worn with t-shirts over pricey denim bottoms, spiked-up hair in the front, Blackberry cell phones permanently attached to the side of their head, half a can of Axe body spray, unbuttoned collared shirts, and leased sports cars are considered "tight" and complimented by other douches with a remark such as “yo, snap”.

These pathetic individuals are also plentiful in the downtown core of Vancouver, where on any given Wednesday through Saturday night on Granville Street you can find males who find it "pimp shit" to wear un-tucked, popped collared shirts or a variation of sparkly Ed Hardy t-shirts and over-priced denim jeans which may or may not be complemented by an equally sparkly, Ed Hardy cap. Such douchebags are typically followed around by a mini entourage of equally douchey males, more commonly originating from Burnaby and the rest of the Lower Mainland, who throw various fake gang signs or simply point at the camera with a false sense of entitlement during pictures and find it “dope” to sport tight Lycra and cotton blend t-shirts, branded with A/X or some other pretentious brand name that reveals cheese nips and an overly worked out upper body a la Mario Lopez or that guy who loiters outside a bar or any given Earls or Cactus Club with his like-minded douchebuddies.

As mentioned, douchebags transcend not only various geographical locations, but age demographics as well.

For instance, douchebags are quite often seen, once again, in Vancouver, as evidenced by men (if you can even call them that) aged 34 to 45 years-old who still go clubbing like they did over a decade and a half ago, passing it off as “it’s just networking” as they try to re-live the “glory days” while they hang out in clubs and bars most commonly frequented by fake-ID sporting high school girls and females with only half a brain remaining as the other half has long been inundated with too much blow, ecstasy and date rape drug. These douchebags are most likely married or in long term relationships, gallivanting with girls half their age while their poor and unsuspecting wives sit at home with the kids, who are coincidentally daughters only a few years younger than the girls that daddy hits on at the clubs. Additionally, these males are usually on a first name basis with the girls at Earls, Cactus Club, Joeys and occasionally, Hooters, and what they really don’t understand is that these girls are actually called waitresses and have no interest in anything else but their wallets.

At the same time, we can see young 20 year old douchebags who still think that wearing an Ed Hardy hat that sits cockeyed on their head, sporting some variation of an Asian symbol tattoo on their shoulder or back and driving their dad’s old white 1998 convertible M3 BMW with their faux-hawks blowing in the wind is ultimately, “pimp shit”. They also generally find the length of time one drinks while doing a "keg-stand" directly correlates with the amount of pussy one can get.

In terms of behavior, douchebags have an over-inflated sense of self-worth, a high level of arrogance complemented by a low level of intelligence, lack the social ability to interact with non-douchebags and have tricked their minds into thinking that they "get mad pussy", while in reality the only pussy they can actually get is the kind that A) requires actual douching because it truly is sordid and bacteria-ridden from years of bring “whored out” by its owner and B) falls into one or more of the following four categories: “Barely Legal or First Year of Junior College”, “Gold Digging Hoe or Valtrex Vixen”, “WhoreBag or Chin-less Troll” and “Any Female With a Low Level of Self-Esteem and Self-Respect”. The irony is that they very rarely get pussy, but amazingly have the astounding propensity to talk quite often about allegedly getting it.

Now that you’ve been acquainted with a definition of Douchebag (and I’m sure by now, everyone’s really sick of hearing that term), I will now outline the items in your Douchebag Recovery Kit.

The purpose of this kit is to help you Unleash Your Inner Sex Kitten by showing you how to bounce-back to your awesome self and ultimately, make a full recovery from a run-in with a douchebag.

The first step, is to indulge.

Dark chocolate, glossy lips and a cathartic release of the written kind may help in releasing any of your initial shitty feelings or anger and “I wish this guy would just burn in hell or get ghonnorhea and have his dick fall off”.

If this step does not suffice, grab a bottle of Vodka and your girlfriends and drink your sorrows away by indulging in over 750 drink recipes with this book. Bonus points for drinking and cooking with it.

If your chocolatey, sexy glossy-lipped and drunken escapade fails to drown out your sorrows of a douchey kind, put on your best g-string and while you’re feeling sexy, get comfy with a good book of orgasms and revisit the ins and outs of fabulous self-pleasure (‘cause God knows, that douche couldn’t get you off if his life depended on it. Then again, what do you expect from a guy with a five inch dick and a 50-inch inflated head?).

After wards, reach for your sexy slinky dress and a matching earrings and head out with your girlfriends for a night on the town! Who gives a fuck about anything else? You look fabulous and that’s all that matters!

If all else fails, you always have your trusty dildo. He can do no wrong. Ever.


  1. K, seriously...can you be my best friend? What better way to get over a douchebag than with your survival kit??? lol.

  2. LOL! Any day, Mel! I think I could make millions from this kit!

  3. I made it to the end!

    And I'm certainly not, and have never been, a douchebag.

    But I kept reading, just to make sure I didn't tick off any of the boxes...

  4. it happened to me quite a lot too. the not remembering the days part, not the encounters with douchebag lol. love the survival kit!

  5. Oh wow! That survival kit! Wow...send it here quick! Lols...I just blogged about a douche bag a couple days ago. hehehehe...Anyhow... I sure hope not all guys are a douche bag, or at least not my boyfriend anyway...=)

  6. Yes, they all have a little douche. You just have to find a douche that matches your crazy... ;-)


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