Everyone is just soooooo nice. Now go take a shower.

It was an incredibly rainy Friday morning and I had settled on a thin and tight,long Ed Hardy-style long sleeved shirt with a pair of red boots for my audition. No, it wasn't lingerie in the slightest bit, but I figured it looked skanky enough but not too skanky that I'd feel like taking a scalding hot shower right after I walked out of that room.

I arrived early enough, like I always do, to size up the competition and eavesdrop on the others' auditions. I always find it interesting how other people interpret a script, or in some cases, a few words. In this instance, it was a few lines and of course the daunting task of showing the casting director that I could pole dance.

"...and all I've got is Pass That Dutch...on my phone...10 seconds or so...", I overheard as I walked into the waiting room. The casting director had just peeked out of a small office for a few minutes to explain the audition to four other girls in the room. Girl number one walked into the office and closed the door behind her.

"Hey, I actually didn't catch most of that...what'd she say?" I casually asked the others as I turned off my iPod and put it away. I recently resorted to bringing my iPod to auditions so I could get psyched up about going to them in the first place and avoid being bombarded by AEVD (Actors' Egotistical Verbal Diarrhea) while waiting my turn.

"Oh she said she has no music but wants us to dance for 10 seconds to the music on her phone. Miss Elliot's Pass That Dutch," a cute and chirpy girl with straight-cut bangs replied. She looked like she was there for a Mad Men audition. Very 50s chic, hiding under a black trench coat and pulling it even more close together while she spoke.

"That'll be a hoot," another girl responded, while ripping of her black trench coat and pulling on a pair of knee-high black leather boots. She had long brown hair and compulsively kept tossing it from side to side, revealing a half buzz cut on the right side of her head.

What a strange mix of Asian girls, I thought to myself. No one here actually looked Asian. They must be halfers!

"Hey, how's it going? It's been awhile," a familiar voice called out from behind me.

I turned around and saw Kelly, the lead Asian nurse that I worked with on my first flick as Sexy Asian Nurse #2. We caught up for a bit, the kind of chit chat that one could do without; five minutes of my life I'll never get back with a convo that went like this:

Me: I've been doing well. How've you been?
Kelly: Oh WOW, I've been doing reaaally well. Like craaaazy busy.
Me: Oh really? Lucky. I found it's been kinda slow. What have you been working on?
Kelly: Well I just finished another movie and the director was just soooo nice. Like, he was the most nicest and supportive guy and really wanted to see me do well...just so nice.
Me: Oh cool. Yeah, this is my first audition in a few weeks. I think there's been a slow demand for Chinese people or something ha ha ha.
Kelly: Noway, really? I just had an audition for this movie and OMG, I had to show my BOOBS.. and it was all men. Like the producer and director were there too, but OMG the producer was soooo nice. I mean like, sooooo nice to work with and even if I don't get the part at least I got to meet him and he was just sooo nice to talk to and such...

Ok, so I just wasted about one minute of YOUR life. My apologies. But surely you now understand the need for the iPod at these things. I call this "actor speak". Have you ever noticed in any media interview with any actor? Someone they've worked with is always just "soooo nice". Mind you, everyone (well, men anyway) is just so much nicer when you show them your boobs.

Buzz-cut girl was up next and the three of us remained waiting, silently, all trying to listen in on her audition. 50s chic girl kept going on about how she felt too under dressed, in her white lacy bra top and yoga pants. I never got to see of course, as she kept her trench coat on as she walked into the audition room. Kelly, of course, stripped down to her panties in the waiting room and put on what resembled a thick, oversized plaid belt and a tank top.

"Nice, skirt?" I said.

"Aw thanks hun! Thank goodness it's a female casting director, hey?"

Amen to that, I thought. It was awkward as hell already, I concluded as I walked into the room, which was basically a small office in the movie studio, with a small home video camera set up in the corner and the casting director sitting behind a desk.

I hit my lines perfectly and even got a good laugh from the casting director. Everything was going well until I had to dance. Which is supposed to be the easiest part for me considering I cheered professionally for a pro-football team last year and took two years of pole dancing lessons, but what you don't know about me is that I actually have a HUGE fear of dancing.

Further to that fact, there was NO POLE in the room.

"Um, there's no pole...so...you just want dance moves?"

"Sure yeah! I'll just play the music and just go with it for a couple of seconds.." The music started, mid-song, and I just went with it. I won't lie. It was awkward as hell. I could barely hear the music and I made the mistake of looking at the camera which made me feel like I was part of some really bad amateur porn flick where the girl doesn't know what to do next and is waiting for something to happen so she can react to it. Ten seconds felt like forever. And with no pole, there was nothing I could actually do. I only had about 2.5 feet of space to move around in between the wall and the desk.

Alas the music stopped, I thanked her for seeing me and bolted out the room. And instantly felt the need to take a scalding hot shower.

Asian Porn Round 2?

Just as I thinking, "is it me or is the industry just super duper slow", The Stranger that is my agent came a ringing. LOUD. Like, obnoxiously loud because I forgot I had set my general ringer to Flo Rida's "Don't Know How to Act" and my boss, coworker and I were conversing about something seemingly important when I ran out mid-convo to find any excuse to ditch out of the convo silence my phone.

And for some reason, she always calls from a blocked number and before I signed up with her I hated picking up blocked numbers but now I almost bask in the delight of getting an unknown number.

"Hey Kiddo, got an audition for ya..." came the sooth voice. Part of me is addicted to hearing her say that, only because I rarely ever get auditions, being part of such an ethnic minority. Mark my words, Asian people will rule the world one day -- we already dominate most of the import industry and most halfers out there are always caucasian mixed with some kind of Asian.

"Awesome, gimme the deets," I urged, eyes squinted shut, fingers crossed, hoping that it wasn't going to be another Asian porn fiasco I'd have to explain to Daddy.

"It's for the role of TV GIRL in a big FOX feature film!" The Stranger then listed off a bunch of big actor names (sadly, I can't name names just yet but maybe in my next post I will...but a big give away...an actor from a very big hit TV show in the early 90s is the lead dude...and he gets mocked quite often in the media nowadays) and gave me the time and date to show up.

"So um...what am I supposed to bring or wear? Like what will I be doing, exactly?"

She always manages to skip over the important details for some reason.

"Oh yes, they've asked for an Asian girl in their mid-20s...hmm let me see here...oh yes, pole dancing and dressed in lingerie -- you have that stuff right?"

Uh, pole dancing or lingerie, I politely inquired. This was turning out to be fickle to explain to Daddy later on.

"Well both. I figured you have a dance background and all and who doesn't have lingerie, right?" The Stranger chortled.

"It's your lucky day...I have both," I responded dryly. I had my last pole dancing class a few days ago. Level 2 done, boo yeah. But still....

"Don't worry there's no nudity," She said, sensing my lack of enthusiasm. Three weeks with no calls or anything and dressing up in lingerie is the best she can do. Or I can do. Then again, there's nobody to blame -- that's the nature of the industry. You are judged based on your 8x10 glossy and a few words on the resume. Sigh.

So I'm booked for an audition on Friday. And that gives me less than two days to prep. And I'm PMSsing which means I've got the same capacity for water retention as a really dry sponge. And I had five slices of pizza and some Halloween candy.

And I will go all out on Friday for this! HAHA.

Stay tuned.

Callbacks and dirtier old men

So, the stranger (that is my agent) just called.

"You got shortlisted kiddo! Good job with the nurse part!"

"Really? Wow, that's good to hear, thanks!" I replied, surprised and happy at the same time. I was already happy because today is the second day after my audition that I celebrated being carb-free for two days by stuffing my face with carbs.

It began with a celebratory Frosty from Wendys, complete with a mix of vanilla and chocolate malt with Oreos thrown in. It was then followed by Kettles chips, in both flavours of yogurt & onion and Backyard Barbeque. And now, I am happily chomping on a toasted cinnamon raisin bagel with margerine.

"The casting director also wants to know if you'd be interested in a silent on camera part.."

"Sure, I'll take whatever I can get," I told my agent.

Yesterday's audition went well. Not as well as I hoped it would be. I flubbed a line. Of course, I'll blame that on the blistering stinky, humid weather and the fact that no one should ever be forced to wear anything skintight and short, made of knit fabric or latex. Yes, I said latex.

I walked into that room, and there were several Asian girls dressed in latex nurse costumes. One girl even had a cute little nurse hat (?) on her head. Oh and everyone had expensive prostitute platform boots. I, on the other hand being the outcast that I always am in a sea of I-am-better-than-thou actors, was the only one in a 'normal' going out red mini dress with nude heels and big hair. Oh yes, and chicken cutlets. Those were a must since I've been so active this summer that I've lost weight -- all from my boobs!

Anyhoo. I did the scene with an old man. Like, old. Like, stinky old. No, make that stinky, cranky, perverted rapist with stockpiles of child porn in his humid little basement old. Or at least that's what I had in my mind. Either way, it threw me off a little. Prior to, I had pictured a good-looking older man in his mid-50s, tanned, full head of greying hair and a yacht.

"Ok, so basically, play with him a little..with your words, with your eyes... then walk over across the room and bendover and pretend you're sorting files or something...." said the casting director.

I was in a box of a room with four other people, humid, smelly like a mix of day-old KFC and spilled orange soda, with three massive lights, two cameras and a dirty looking old man.

I did the scene twice and ran out as fast as I could to the car, where Daddy was waiting for me.

"Good job baby! Or should I say, my hot nurse!" Daddy teased as I plopped my sticky ass onto the passenger seat.

"Thanks!", I said as I reached into my bra, tugging at the chicken cutlets, "dammit! These things are so suctioned against my sweaty boobs, they won't budge!"

Daddy gave me a weird look, started the car and began to pull out of the parking spot as I tugged on my artificial boob inserts and... PLOP! My left artificial boob had flown out the window and landed on a patch of grassy dirt.

"Shit!" I opened the car door and ran out to grab my breast, just as a man and his dog were walking by.

"Percy, NO!" The man commanded. The dog had beat me to my breast and had begun sniffing and licking the sweaty little chicken cutlet.

I quickly pushed the dog away, gathered my breast without making eye contact with the man and got back into the car.

"I need a Frosty. Now..." I told Daddy. And off we went.

Auditions, Asian porn and seducing old men

Yesterday, the stranger that is my agent called to say that she had submitted me for a commercial.

"You're not allergic to chocolate are you?" She asked.

Nope but I sure wish I was, I told her. I'd probably have less cellulite on my my lower half if that were the case.

"Ok, that's grand! It's called Project K, be at the studio at noon".

Everything's grand and 'thanks a million' when you're an agent. The film industry breeds fakeness like no other silicone implant factory can.

I arrived at the studio late and parked my car at what I thought was a temporary stopping zone, so I made sure to keep my emergency blinkers on. I was so sure of myself, that I left my purse in my car and dashed in at 10 minutes past.

After my sign-in I took a seat and gave everyone the waiting-room-once-over -- a quick survey of the room and a full up and down of a few characters that stood out. Of course, just like every audition I attend, I end up clenching my jaw to prevent an obvious case of wincing at the sight of wannabe-struggling actors. If you can call them that. Everyone there's got this 'better-than-thou' attitude, surgically shaved nose pointed up in the air, strategically placed strands of hair dangling above the eyes or twirled just enough above the front right shoulder. Just writing this out makes me shudder all over again. F&&%ing actors.

Anyway. Ten minutes later they call a group of us into the room and an outspoken douche was all "Wow dude, I'm with all the chicks! Nice!".

Someone giggled, another pff'd the air. I gave the evil eye.

All six of us slated (by that, I mean we stated our names, the agency we're with), showed the fronts and backs of our hands (I was relieved, no self tanner stains this time around!) and were asked to unwrap a chocolate bar, eat it and react.

As I expected, every girl unwrapped their chocolate bar and gave some kind of sultry, orgasmic "Mmmm....mmm..mm!" response.

I, on the other hand, being the breakfast-deprived, time-starved non-actor in the group, struggled to unwrap my chocolate bar and ended up picking little pieces of wrapper apart...breaking a piece of chocolate bar off, and devoured it like nobody was watching. And in the process, let out a surprised kind of "MM! Oh wow!"...

I left the room hoping that I had diversified myself from the group of superficial half-breeds. Sadly though, it's been a few hours since the audition and my agent hasn't called.

Anyway, I head back to my car and realized that it's no longer there. I then walked over to the sign I thought indicated "temporary stopping zone" and realized that it was a 'NO Stopping zone', let out a big F%$K! and somehow, in under 30 minutes, managed to call a cab, joke about eating McDick's for the next week, pay the driver and the towing company and made my way back into work.

How's that for efficiency?

An hour later my agent calls. Did I land the part, I ask.

"No, haven't heard yet dahling, but do you like older men?"

What kind of question is that, I thought to myself. Then I remembered how much Daddy likes to listen to Phill Collins and pretend he's in his early 40s.

"Love them." I replied.

"Fab! I've got an audition for you this weekend. They need a second generation Chinese Canadian woman in her mid-20s, seductive, has great bedside manners and loves to seduce older men. And likes Asian porn...do you.." my agent trailed off, distractedly.

Please don't ask me if I like Asian porn, I begged silently. I can only lie so much.

"...have any tight short mini dresses? Surely you do?" she finished off.

Tons, I replied. Nothing skanky of course, but I do stock up when I can. Usually around Halloween.

"Fab! I've confirmed your audition. Check out the script, it's pretty funny. You get to seduce an old guy at a hospital. And something about Asian porn. Good luck hunny, and call me when you're done!"

So now I'm off to practice and research for my seductive asian porn and old man fanatic role.

Should be fun. I'll let you all know how it goes. Wish me luck!