Monday, October 26, 2009

Verbal diarrhea and fat people sex

After three days of begging and promising not to harass him for sex in exchange for his company at any movie of my choice, Daddy finally agreed to go watch the highly anticipated scary flick, Paranormal Activity.

I absolutely love going to the movies - there's something very 1930s-wholesome-first-date about going to the movies. Only back then, I doubt there were any Chinese girls walking around with White guys. Twentieth century interracial dating? Say it with me -- yikes.

"Ugh, I'm so thirsty my tongue feels like sandpaper, can we get water or something?" We were seated and watching the pre-previews scroll through when the side-effects of too many slices of deluxe and hawaiian thin crust pizza from Dominos started to take hold.

"Meh," Daddy responded, flipping through a magazine with one hand while the other was fully submerged in a bag of Goodies. I still, to this day cannot fathom the notion of licorice consumption being an enjoyable experience. It reminds me of puke and day-old ass with a sprinkle of rotten fruit.

The movie finally started and although I wasn't as freaked out right away as I expected to be, the ending made up for it. That's all I will say for those of you who haven't seen it. I even screamed, twice!

"That's what makes it work," Daddy observed, as we made our way out of the theatre towards the car. At this point, I was completely parched and half-way through the movie, had resorted to swallowing my own spit. Of course, the additional fruit gummies I consumed didn't help the thirst situation much either.

"What does?"

"The fact that they have such real, normal people. The guy was a typical guy, stubborn and trying to be the man in the situation and the girl was just below average, had 20 lbs to lose, that kinda thing,"

"Normal girls are below average and...fat?!" I exclaimed, almost whispering 'fat' and quickly looking around to see if anyone had heard me say the f-word like I just said "I love buying Nazi coins off Ebay".

Daddy gave me a no-brainer look and we got into the car. Noticing that I had an issue with his statement he was quick to point out that he never said the f-word and that I take offense to weight comments only because I too, was once a fatty and automatically assume everything is a fat assault.

Which is, in his offense (or my defense? I don't think I'm defending here though), is true. I take to weight comments rather personally, even though they really don't have anything to do with me. Like last week when my gfs and I got into a taxi cab in the blistering cold and we saw three girls crossing the street in what appeared to be a tight, long sweater for a dress with their butt cheeks clearly hanging out and the taxi driver was all "wow dats reeeeaaal short" and I blurted out, "yeah you'd like that wouldn't you" and he shut me down with "no, too fat for me" and I took offense to that and had to make a point of informing him that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, her mother obviously loves her and so does her boyfriend and in the end as long as she loves herself that's all that matters.

"You're drunk, I'm cutting you off", My gf DD said as we got out of the cab. Agreed, I said. I spout offensive verbal diarrhea when I'm tipsy. Like the time when I discovered SoHo and fell in love with it at my friend Aaron's house party and during a really intimate moment when he showed us pictures of his ex-gf and his mother together I hysterically blurted out "holyf*&^k, who's that ugly witch!?" and despite having a very quick moment to cover up my blunder when Aaron asked "Who? my ex-girlfriend?" I responded back with "No, THAT ugly witch" and pointed at (which I now know to be) his mother in the picture.

Needless to say, I've had my share of awkward moments.

"Can we have sex?" I asked Daddy as we got home.

"No. I'm still digesting from dinner and so are you. Why do you always insist on having fat people sex right after we eat?"

"Correction, I always insist on having sex and that's it, " I clarified.

Then again, perhaps sex wasn't such a good idea as I woke up with the biggest salt and fat hangover from last night's pizza. And I don't know why I just wrote this but I couldn't think of a better ending.


  1. Fat people sex? You peeking in my window again??? hahaha!

  2. "whispering 'fat' and quickly looking around to see if anyone had heard me say the f-word like I just said "I love buying Nazi coins off Ebay"."

    Oh just made me snort my wine.

  3. Salty but beautiful. Love your blog.

  4. My take on the movie:

    1) Blair Witch with a ghost.
    2) If the first hour had been like the last half hour, it would have been way better.
    3) Chick in the movie looks like my sister in law but heavier (not sure why that's important here but if you knew my SIL you'd be all, like, 'whoa')
    4) Big black guy in front of me yelled at the guy in front of HIM, using the word, 'dawg' three times. I had no idea anyone other than Randy from American Idol actually said that until now.
    5) I'm totally starting to use the word 'dawg' in coversations, like:

    The last 5 minutes of the movie were

  5. I just love the way you write.


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