Dear Bikini Contest Winners...

The only reason why 99.5% you win/won a bikini contest is because you paid your way there (and or included a combination of f*&^ing your way into getting crowned Miss dingy-hole-in-the-wall-dirty-shack-of-a-local-bar 2009).

Yes, I'm talking about the fact that silicone cannot in any way be genetically hereditary, and the fact that 9 out of 10 going-nowhere-in-life-anytime-soon guys at said bar want to get into your barely-covering-your-cottage-cheese-in-a-garbage-bag-of-an-ass bikini bottoms.

Sure, you have nice tits, but I'll bet your boob job you'd be concave without them, which goes nicely with the rest of your morals, values and neural cavity. In fact, 95% of you are just a pretty pair of fake boobs as your attempts at vanity tend to result in a used, well-preserved-40-year-old-soccer-mom type of try-hard appearance. Wait, it's called butterface.

But you know, it's a really big accomplishment being able to come up with $7000 for a purchase. You're way ahead of me.