Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Oh the things we do and put ourselves through...

For sex.

Have you ever thought about that? The lengths we will go to, the Rabbits and Fleshlights we'll gladly add to our toy boxes, the surgical methods we'll undertake and all those things in between we'll do for s-e-x.

Let me tell you (as Daddy would happily go into his human evolution speech), sex in the 21st century is the farthest thing from the word natural. After all, before there were cock rings and birth control pills, the main purpose of sex was to procreate. Whenever anyone had sex, procreation took place.

Then hedonists, like myself, were spawned and all we wanted was sex minus the procreation.

Enter the condom. Before the use of animal tissue sheaths (yes, women like ourselves liked sex so much we were willing to shove dead animal membrane up there), images from around 1000 BC show the ancient Egyptians wearing linen sheathes. Can you imagine what linen rubbing against your pooty must've felt like?! Holy hell, we might as well wipe our asses with the world's roughest paper towel ( you know the cheapo-public-washroom-with-0.0.1-ply-toilet-paper kind of brown paper towel), or better yet, sand paper. Also, the word "condom" most likely had a Latin origin, which means "receptacle". Yeah baby, I love it when you f&^%# me with a receptacle, it's hot.

Then there's the birth control pill. Synthetic hormones that make you fat, bloated and turn you into a variation of the lochness monster crossed with Medusa and a boar in heat. Not to mention, it tricks your body into thinking you're pregnant and gives you a fake period every month. Fake. So all the shit you go through and the miserable shit you put everyone else around you through isn't even worth it in the end 'cuz it was all a sham anyway. Not to mention the pints of Ben & Jerry's and cinnamon buns your thighs and ass endured.

And while there are way too may inventions/contraptions to go through, I'd like to touch on the IUD. Yes, the contraption that originated from Arabs sticking pebbles into the uteruses of their camels to avoid pregnancy on long trips. In fact, in 1920 the first IUD was born out of silk worm gut and silver wire. And now, it's been upgraded to plastic and a copper wire. And fishing wire that pokes out of your uterus and can be felt by your partner's penis! (Click here to make your own!). Its fabulous for spontaneity but shoving something as foreign as that into the womb is a tad too barbaric for my ears, let alone my uterus.

There's definitely more to birth control methods than I've listed (and if this is news to you, you should probably never be allowed to procreate), so next time you do the deed it's definitely something to think about.

Well, maybe after you do the deed.


  1. "Can you imagine what linen rubbing against your pooty must've felt like?!"

    L M A O

    Too much. Too TOO much! :D

  2. Ok. IUD's scare the hell out of me! I'm ok with a penis in my pooty, a little plastice, maybe one of the glass ones.... but an IUD?!? Hell no. My downstairs will never be wired for cable.

  3. I can't believe I actually followed the link to the half-baked site.

    Do-it-yourself vasectomy too... lovely...

  4. Ha, sometimes I contemplate what the actually act of sex is and looks like and I can't help but to laugh. How ridiculous a thing that people (and animals) do to one another...I had started my blog because I was having too much sex (can you imagine such a thing?) and wanted to step back for a year...well, it's been rough!

  5. haha I posted about IUD's before. I think they are frightening looking!

  6. I threaten Hubby every year with a Fleshlight for his birthday.....


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