Have cock, will f*&%

Wouldn’t that be a great advertisement…succint, to the point.

Then again, that’s also a death-by-STD wish. But what’s a single, horny girl to do? My girlfriend’s been without for a decent handful of weeks now and I feel her pain. In fact, last week, my quest for sex and condoms left me high and dry despite my supersize pack of Trojan ultra-thins (0.05mm!) as my boyfriend came down with a cold.

“You’re crazy, whudz wrong wid you?!” he asked in shock + disbelief and super nasal congestion, as I insisted that we could still do it only I’d pretend he has a paper bag over his head and he wouldn’t have to do any work. I’ll stop at nothing for ‘penile penetration’.

Alas, after trying to keep me away with several gas bombs (literally), he gave in and I felt like a winner. Well, at one point during our romp, I kinda felt like a rapist, but was comforted by a flashback of my Crim 300 prof on the Criminal Code of Canada — if it’s consensual it’s not rape.

Back to my girlfriend and our deliberations on her ‘next steps’ towards penile penetration.

Solution #1: Dial-up an existing dude you’ve done

This is a good last minute fix…for a last minute fix. It’s stable because you already know what to expect. If it’s sex you want, that’s what you’ll get. And if it was amazing/mind-blowing last time, this is probably your best bet

Solution #2: Phone a friend

Not the best solution, but if you can keep it platonic after, why not? Though I doubt many girls (and some guys) can do that…hello, Zack and Miri Make a Porno?

Solution #3: The lurking cat

You know who he is…hits on you at the club, tries to pick you up again a couple weeks later at a function. Any opportunity he can get to get you, he’s there. All you need to do is wiggle your nose.

Solution #4: Hand-held heaven

It’s a lucrative industry for a reason — grab your favourite toy and get to it! No jerks, no herpes and no lameass bullshit drama to deal with after.

…he can keep the dog. Dildos are a woman’s best friend.